Qui tangit frangatur.

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A round peg in a world of square holes...

Saturday, August 16, 2008

I most certainly did not err

A hardcore (well, too hardcore) friend forwarded this to me.

Ahhhh... It speaks to my soul.
Random acts of violence.
'Tis like manna from heaven.

Just as I practice random acts of kindness — to deserving and undeserving — people, I engage in random acts of violence, often to nameless people; people, I sometimes don't even come into contact with. For example, a razor blade comes in handy around cafes. A quick slit under the mouthpiece spout on the disposable cup lids guarantees that someone would have coffee pouring down his shirt / her blouse. What a great way to start the day. Repeat after me, "That which does not kill us makes us stronger." Now Mr. / Ms. Coffee Drinker just learned a quote from Nietzsche. See how nice I am?

Somedays, on evening jaunts around the neighborhood in Santa Clara, I indulge in numerology, dropping nails on the driveways of houses whose street numbers I fancy (or don't). What better place than to get a flat in front of your own home? Free exercise! Nautilus 24-Hour Fitness should hire me.

Green food coloring from your friendly grocery store (Albertsons, Safeway, Ralphs, Whole Foods, Andronico's, Trader Joe's, Costco, Sam's Price Club, Ranch 99, Lion Supermart, et cetera) also provides tons of senseless carnage. Diluted with water, loaded into a SuperSoaker, and sprayed into puddles under cars, it guarantees a puzzled owner peering over his engine bay the next morning, or the presence of a tow truck for the more frantic ones. Result? Car owners learn to appreciate the work of automotive engineers, or enhance their relationship with their mechanics, leading to validation all round for everybody (credit card or otherwise).

Dropping important looking bolts and kicking them under cars also achieves the same effect. Combine both for greater odds of success.

Charged capacitors in men's urinals. Enough said. No need to bend over for Pfizer, you just saved a ton off Viagra. You are welcome.

Why do I do this? Well, it keeps things fun for those around me. They never know when they are going to be my next pet humanitarian project, or my next sex toy. It makes life interesting.

Don't you agree?


Anonymous Anonymous said...

ben you think you're a smartypants but you're just a stupid bitch. someone might need the car in an emergency. hope it comes back to get you, shithead

August 19, 2008 11:12 PM  
Blogger -ben said...

It looks like one of my anonymous victims just responded.

If there's an emergency, instead of trying to be SpeedRacer, dial 911 (or 999 if you're on some godforsaken tropical island paradise with the death penalty). Chances are, EMS and law enforcement officers drive far better than you. That, and they have equipment onboard to change red lights to green when approaching junctions and the authority to go against the flow of traffic.

So, yes, I am Mr. SmartyPants.


August 20, 2008 2:26 AM  

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