Qui tangit frangatur.

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A round peg in a world of square holes...

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

Who says that anger is necessarily a bad thing?

The most beautiful expression of anger I've come across online so far:

Every Wednesday we host a group from our church to discuss topics that the leadership suggests as we walk our path with God. It's a good gathering of folks; I don't always go, even though it takes place in my house--one week I had the flu, two other times I was flying out of town the next day and I had to pack. Part of me also doesn't want to go because I just don't feel ideologically attuned to their belief system, as much as I appreciate them as people. Last week was no exception.

I was in such despair over recent job events that I just found a bar and starting drinking--not my typical behavior. No one knew where I was. My husband called and I finally told him: "I'm out getting drunk. I don't want to hear about Jesus." He just asked me to call him when I was done in case I was too intoxicated to walk home. I went to a nearby park after drinking to my limit (such a lightweight) and spoke out loud: "God, you want too much. Ivan Karamazov was right. You were able to show unconditional love and forgiveness because you are God. But I am not a god."

I walked into my house, drunk as hell. My husband asked me to join the meeting--I initially refused--I wasn't interested in putting my misery on display, nor my sins. But I went anyway. I didn't speak until we got to the part about loving our enemies and forgiving those who persecute you. I suddenly barked: "Okay, I will tell you. I can't be a Christian. I don't love my enemies. I hate them. I wish bad things upon them. There are times I would like to destroy them. This is why they are called ENEMIES. They hurt me and I want to hurt them back. I cannot forgive them. I wish I could, not for the sake of God, but because it is eating me alive. If I had a gun, some of them would be dead and I'd be in jail. That is how deeply I hate these people. So excuse me if I can't pretend to be something that I am not."

Something terrible, something beautiful; praise the Lord and pass the ammunition.


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