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A round peg in a world of square holes...

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Save the Planet — Kill Yourself!

George Carlin style.

I expressed the same sentiments in class years ago, and the liberal-eco-Nazi-bandwagon-jumpers went apoplectic in their indignance and outrage — so much so that they had to resort to the use of plastic bags to hold their pee.

The planet is fine! The people are fucked!

Full transcript

You got people like this around you? Country is full of them now! People walking around all day long, every minute of the day — worried about EVERYTHING! Worried about the air, worried about the water, worried about the soil. Worried about insecticides, pesticides, food additives, carcinogens; worried about radon gas; worried about asbestos. Worried about saving endangered species.

Let me tell you about endangered species, all right? Saving endangered species is just one more arrogant attempt by humans to control Nature! It's arrogant meddling! It's what got us into trouble in the first place! Doesn't anybody understand that? Interfering with Nature! Over 90 percent.. over... way over 90 percent of all the species that have ever lived — EVER LIVED — on this planet are gone. Whissshht! They are extinct!

We didn't kill them all.

They just... disappeared! That's what Nature does! They disappear these days at the rate of 25 a day, and I mean regardless of our behavior. Irrespective of how we act on this planet, 25 species that were here today, will be gone tomorrow! Let them go... gracefully! Leave Nature alone! Haven't we done enough?

We're so self-important. So self-important! Everybody's going to save something now. "Save the trees; save the bees; save the whales; save those snails." And the greatest arrogance of all, "Save the planet." WHAT? Are these fucking people kidding me? Save the planet? We don't even know how to take care of ourselves yet. We haven't learned how to care for one another, we're gonna save the fucking planet?

I'm getting tired of that shit. Tired of that shit. Tired! I'm tired of fucking Earth Day! I'm tired of these self-righteous environmentalists; these white, bourgeois liberals who think the only thing wrong with this country is there aren't enough bicycle paths. People trying to make the world safe for their Volvos. Besides, environmentalists don't give a shit about the planet. They don't care about the planet. Not in the abstract they don't. Not in the abstract they don't. You know what they're interested in? A clean place to live. Their own habitat. They're worried that some day in the future, they might be personally inconvenienced. Narrow, unenlightened self-interest doesn't impress me.

Besides, there is nothing wrong with the planet. Nothing wrong with the planet. The planet is fine. The PEOPLE are fucked. Difference. Difference! The planet is fine. Compared to the people, the planet is doing great. Been here four and a half billion years. Did you ever think about the arithmetic? The planet has been here four and a half billion years. We've been here, what? A hundred thousand? Maybe two hundred thousand? And we've only been engaged in heavy industry for a little over two hundred years. Two hundred years versus four and a half billion. And we have the CONCEIT to think that somehow we're a threat? That somehow we're gonna put in jeopardy this beautiful little blue-green ball that's just a-floatin' around the sun?

The planet has been through a lot worse than us. Been through all kinds of things worse than us. Been through earthquakes, volcanoes, plate tectonics, continental drift, solar flares, sun spots, magnetic storms, the magnetic reversal of the poles; hundreds of thousands of years of bombardment by comets and asteroids and meteors; worlwide floods, tidal waves, worldwide fires, erosion, cosmic rays, recurring ice ages... And we think some plastic bags, and some aluminum cans are going to make a difference? The planet... the planet... the planet isn't going anywhere. WE ARE!

We're going away. Pack your shit, folks. We're going away. And we won't leave much of a trace, either. Thank God for that. Maybe a little styrofoam. Maybe. A little styrofoam. The planet will be here and we'll be long gone. Just another failed mutation. Just another closed-end biological mistake. An evolutionary cul-de-sac. The planet will shake us off like a bad case of fleas. A surface nuisance.

You wanna know how the planet is doing? Ask those people at Pompeii, who are frozen into position from volcanic ash, "How the planet's doing?" You wanna know if the planet's all right, ask those people in Mexico City or Armenia or a hundred other places buried under thousands of tons of earthquake rubble, if they feel like a threat to the planet this week. Or how about those people in Kilowaia, Hawaii, who built their homes right next to an active volcano, and then wonder why they have lava in the living room.

The planet will be here for a long, long — LONG — time after we're gone, and it will heal itself; it will cleanse itself, because that's what it does. It's a self-correcting system. The air and the water will recover; the earth will be renewed; and, if it's true that plastic is not degradable, well, the planet will simply incorporate plastic into a new pardigm: the Earth plus plastic! The Earth doesn't share our prejudice towards plastic. Plastic came out of the Earth. The Earth probably sees plastic as just another one of its children. Could be the only reason the Earth allowed us to be spawned from it in the first place. It wanted plastic for itself. Didn't know how to make it. Needed us. Could be the answer to our age-old philosophical question, "Why are we here?" "Plastic! Assholes."

So! So, the plastic is here, our job is done, we can be phased out now. And I think that it has already started already, don't you? I think, to be fair, the planet probably sees us as a mild threat. Something to be dealt with. And I am sure the planet will defend itself in the manner of a large organism, like a beehive or an ant colony, and muster a defense. I am sure the planet will think of something. What would you do if you were the planet trying to defend against this pesky, troublesome species? "Let's see... What might... Hmm.. Viruses! Viruses might be good. They seem vulnerable to viruses. And, uh...viruses are tricky, always mutating and forming new strains whenever a vaccine is developed. Perhaps, this first virus could be one that compromises the immune system of these creatures. Perhaps a human immunodeficiency virus, making them vulnerable to all sorts of other diseases and infections that might come along. And maybe it could be spread sexually, making them a little reluctant to engage in the act of reproduction."

Well, that's a poetic note. And it's a start. And I can dream, can't I? See I don't worry about the little things: bees, trees, whales, snails. I think we're part of a greater wisdom than we will ever understand. A higher order. Call it what you want. Know what I call it? The Big Electron." The Big Electron...whoooa. Whoooa. Whoooa. It doesn't punish; it doesn't reward; it doesn't judge at all. It just is. And so are we. For a little while.

Thanks for being here with me for a little while tonight!

Thank you!


Requiéscant in pāce, George.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

ROFL... gotta love George Carlin. May his memory be eternal.

I always tell these folks who are so concerned about supposed overpopulation that they could help by offing themselves. But they don't want to... go figure. Guess it's only OTHER people who need to go.

Yes, George, we are indeed f@#%ed.

June 26, 2008 9:04 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Besides, environmentalists don't give a shit about the planet. They don't care about the planet. Not in the abstract they don't. Not in the abstract they don't. You know what they're interested in? A clean place to live. Their own habitat. "

I'm so glad I've come across a page like yours. It only intensifies my aversion for people like you. Can you be any more naive?

July 29, 2008 3:58 AM  
Blogger -ben said...

I'm so glad I've come across a page like yours. It only intensifies my aversion for people like you. Can you be any more naive?

The sentences you quoted are from the George Carlin's transcript. Hint: the shifty character you hang out with in the alley every day, handing out little plastic bags of white powder is NOT your Reading Comprehension teacher.

Instead of attempting texts beyond your ability, you should be busy studying for your third try at your GED.


July 29, 2008 1:25 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think this is funny as hell and had to show this to my other siblings and then we sat here flipping through his other stuff on youtube I disagree with him on this one.. 90% of the species died out because of mass extinctions on a global scale. Most of the endangered species nowadays are there because of our over development and destruction of their habitats. Though I'm not a person who goes out and talks about our planet's condition and global warming and shit I disagree that we aren't making a "dent" to the planet.. though I don't really care >_<

August 01, 2008 7:33 AM  
Blogger -ben said...

George Carlin rocks. He rips everyone.

We are making a dent on the planet, George Carlin even agreed on that point — "I think, to be fair, the planet probably sees us as a mild threat"; what he denounces are the lemming bandwagon jumpers, feel-good holier-than-thou enviroweenie Mini-me fascists, and hypocritical pukes like Sierra Club members (who drive up to trails and meetings in their SUVs), and oh, of course, Al Gore.

Then, there are this self-absorb asshats like David Grohl who, upon the birth of his daughter, declared that he wanted his daughter to grow up in a beautiful, pristine environment, like the one he grew up in — and that anyone who threatens that desire, has a problem with him.


Me, me, me.

Narrow, unenlightened self-interest doesn't impress me. (George Carlin)

Reduce your carbon footprint — Kill Yourself!

August 01, 2008 10:24 AM  
Anonymous Eric Gisin said...

90% is way too low, it's well over 99.9% extinct. Almost everything 10 million years ago is gone/changed.

November 12, 2008 2:37 AM  
Anonymous Goofus Bird said...

Theres certianly a over population of eco-freaks so why dont they just go live in another galaxy far far away from our own milkyway and settle a pnaet if the DENIBIAN QUILLBIRDS DONT OBJECT

November 21, 2008 5:46 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Karen has a great point. Or short of killing themselves, some of these whiners could move to a Third World country and live like the mass of people do there. But will they do that? I don't know; it's kind of like how they exhort people to adopt children rather than reproduce biologically but never adopt children themselves.

July 01, 2009 11:38 AM  

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