Supertelevangelistic sexanddrugspsychosis

A little ditty for Ted Haggard, fallen pastor (news link) of the evangelical, charismatic, non-denominational (i.e. fundamentalist. Haggard is also a biblical literalist) New Life Church:


SUPERTELEVANGELISTIC SEX-AND-DRUGS PSYCHOSIS

Parody of "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious" (Sherman/Sherman)
Lyrics by M. Spaff Sumsion
Performed by Robert Lund

Click here for the audio track and sing along!

I used to be a master of the anti-gay crusade
Until a butch disaster blew my pastor masquerade
But if it's true I'm pounding more than pulpits, don't blame me
It's 'cause I caught my hooker-tweaker-stud's infirmity

It's...
Supertelevangelistic sex-and-drugs psychosis
Worse than plague and bird flu crossed with osteoporosis
We were playing doctor and he gave this diagnosis:
Supertelevangelistic sex-and-drugs psychosis

Umm Haggard Bakker Swaggart umm Tammy Faye
Umm Haggard Bakker Swaggart umm Tammy Faye

I found the perfect therapist - the kind that gives massage
I like to drive my Escort and I park in his garage
I swear he only serves me crank when all his Coke is gone
And then he helps me straighten out my Peter, James, and John

Blame...
Supertelevangelistic sex-and-drugs psychosis
That's my greatest guilty pleasure next to Guns N' Roses
Good thing there's no ban on it in all the books of Moses
Supertelevangelistic sex-and-drugs psychosis

Umm Haggard Bakker Swaggart umm Tammy Faye
Umm Haggard Bakker Swaggart umm Tammy Faye

It seems all pious public figures bugger on the sly
But Jesus loved republicans and sinners; so must I
Say "Holy moley, Mister Foley! That boy's underage!"
But I believe the congressman has turned another page

Oh!
Supertelevangelistic sex-and-drugs psychosis
Next time, better cut me off at handshakes and Mimosas
No more meth or men for me - at least in overdoses!
Supertelevangelistic sex-and-drugs psychosis!

(Just a spoonful of crystal helps the prostitute go down... on the prostitute... go down on the prostitute!)


Anyone old enough to remember the song, "Holy Smoke," by Iron Maiden in 1990?


Holy Smoke

Believe in me — send no money.
Died on the cross and that ain't funny,
But my so called friends are making me a joke.
They missed out what I said like I never spoke.
They choose what they wanna hear — they don't tell a lie;
They just leave out the truth as they're watching you die,
Saving your souls by taking your money.
Flies round shit, bees around honey.

Holy Smoke! Holy Smoke! Plenty of bad preachers for
The Devil to stoke!
Feed'em in feet first, this is no joke!
This is thirsty work, making Holy Smoke!

Jimmy Reptile and all his friends
Say they gonna be with you at the end,
Burning records, burning books;
Holy soldiers, Nazi looks.
Crocodile smiles, just wait a while
Till the TV Queen gets her make up clean.
I've lived in filth, I've lived in sin,
And I still smell cleaner than the shit you're in.

They ain't religious, but they ain't no fools.
When Noah built his Cadillac, it was cool.
Two by two, they're still going down,
And the satellite circus just left town.
I think they're strange and when they're dead,
They can have a Lincoln for their bed.
Friend of the President - trick of the tail.
Now they ain't got a prayer — 100 years in jail.

Holy Smoke! Holy Smoke! Plenty of bad preachers for
The Devil to stoke!
Feed'em in feet first, this is no joke!
This is thirsty work, making Holy Smoke!

Jimmy Reptile and all his friends
Say they gonna be with you at the end,
Burning records, burning books;
Holy soldiers, Nazi looks.
Crocodile smiles, just wait a while
Till the TV Queen gets her make up clean.
I've lived in filth, I've lived in sin,
And I still smell cleaner than the shit you're in.


Personally, I think this song by Iron Maiden contains more truth than the bullshit dished out by these snake-oil-salesmen-masquerading-as-pastors. "Pay to pray," how true. IMHO, any religious leader who has not taken the lifetime vows of poverty, chastity, and obedience is suspect.

How the mighty have fallen.

Selah.